...a stressful notion for a chronic insomniac. When I posted my first article on New Year's Day, I thought I'd be able to post all kinds of positive articles about all the progress I was making, and all the lessons I was learning as I went along. In fact, I feel like I haven't made a lick of progress in the last 3 and a half weeks...
That's not entirely true. I am eating healthier... some of the time... I'm back to my normal exercise schedule. Now, I just need to add a few more workouts per week to it. I've even made a little progress here and there on the house... though there's still plenty to be done.
Where I feel like I'm moving backward though is my sleep. I posted in my previous entry that I had seemingly defeated my insomnia, with the help of valerian and L-theanine natural remedies. However, I haven't had a solid week of good sleep since the new year. Most weeks, in fact, I've only had one or two nights with decent sleep.
Here's what I know: Only getting 3 hours of sleep before having to drive 40 miles to work, followed by another 40 miles home in the afternoon is not fun. It doesn't matter how many drugs you take, if your brain is telling you that you're not going to get enough sleep, then you won't get enough sleep (or any sleep at all). Therefore, sleep is stressful for an insomniac.
Now before you tell me that I just need to relax, take deep breaths, say a mantra to myself, count sheep, do a progressive relaxation, do a self-hypnosis, etc. etc. etc., I've tried every trick in the book to calm my brain down. The problem is that once you're in your head, as I am, the damage is already done. No amount of relaxation or self-hypnosis is going to beat down that voice in the back of your head saying, 'if you don't get to sleep, you're going to have to drive to work on no sleep". That's where my problem seems to be.
Last week, we went to Penn State for Friday night through Saturday (home by Saturday night). That night, I slept like a rock in our hotel. No problem. When we got home on Saturday night, I took an hour or so to chill out in front of the TV, then I fell asleep with no trouble in our bedroom. Sunday night, OPM declared an 11:00 AM Delayed Arrival for Washington DC Federal Employees with the option for unscheduled telework. I went to bed knowing that I would be teleworking on Monday, and I slept delightfully. Then, Monday night comes around. Time to go back to work on Tuesday. Sleep was a no go that night. Tuesday night, I took like an hour and a half nap on the couch, and I still managed to put in a full 7 and a half hours of easy sleep, as Wednesday is my normal telework day. I knew I didn't have to get up to drive 40 miles...twice... Now, it's back to work in the morning again, and here I am writing a blog entry at 2 AM to pass the time, since I can't sleep again.
I know that my problem is purely psychological, but what I don't know is how to fix it. I went to a seminar at work last week about getting healthy with diet and sleep in the new year and coping with stress, and the speaker suggested journaling. I guess that's where I'm at here. I'm writing down all the things going on in my head, in hopes that putting it down on paper (or on a computer monitor) will eject them from my head, at least temporarily.
I want to be able to sleep. I want to get my 7-9 hours of sleep. I don't want to drive 40 miles to work, trudge through an 8 hour work day, then drive another 40 miles back home on 3- hours of sleep....yet again.
As I write this, I have to say that I am grateful for a few things: 1) Having a husband who loves me enough to sit up with me and try to help me relax. 2) Having 2 cats who love me enough to keep me company when I have to relocate, so as to let my husband get the sleep he needs and to get out of the space that I now associate with insomnia. 3) Knowing that the weekend will be here soon, so I know that in a couple of days, I'll finally be able to get some sleep again (that's the optimist in me, talking. The optimist is still hiding in there, somewhere).
I don't know what else to say, except: Please God, help me get over this hurdle, so I can return to the progress I was making before Christmas. Please help me find the will to rise above the psychology. Please keep me safe as I struggle through my exhausted days.
I'm sure this is a little bit all over the place. That's what happens when it's 2 o'clock in the morning, and you're over-exhausted and desperate for sleep. Here's hoping this helps me find peace for the next couple of hours before that 5 AM alarm sounds.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Years Resolutions: Learning from the Past, Living in the Present, and Dreaming for the Future
This is my first blog entry. I thought it only fitting to begin this on the 1st day of a new year. Hopefully, I will be able to keep up with it throughout the year and beyond. My intent is to use this blog to keep family and friends apprised of the happenings in my life, my thoughts and reflections, and the lessons I learn along the way.
To get started, I'll reflect a little bit on the last couple of years, which have been, if nothing else, a rollercoaster ride. Some of the most memorable experiences of my life to date have occurred over these last couple of years. These include:
The last couple of years have also come with their share of challenges, however. These include:
The loss of a loved one is anything but insignificant. And of course, nothing makes the loss of a loved one any easier, except knowing that at least I had enough time to say good-bye to him and to tell him that I loved him.
Otherwise, however, as I look at these lists, it seems that the positives far outweigh the negatives. And that would be true. It would seem that Tim and I are sharing some incredible adventures and memories in our life together. And that would be true, as well. We have an amazing life together, and I couldn't be happier about all of the wonderful things that we've been able to do in the last few years together, not to mention all the things that we have planned in the short and long term future.
However, as my family can affirm, I tend to be a worrier. I tend to sweat the small stuff. So, with that in mind, I have thought of the following things I can work on to improve my life and the lives of those closest to me:
1. I will get more sleep. After months of searching for a cure for insomnia, I have finally discovered some helpful remedies, in the form of natural supplements, and changing my surroundings to relax. For the most part, the insomnia problem has been resolved. However, I am still only getting 5-6 hours of sleep per night because I struggle to make myself go to bed at a reasonable time, relative to a 5 AM wake up call. My goal for this year is to increase my average to 7-8 hours of sleep per night.
2. I will get more exercise. I know. I know. Everybody says they're going to exercise in the New Year. Well, I already have a regular exercise regimen. I take a high intensity aerobics class twice a week, I have dance class once per week, and in the summer, Tim and I love to take our bikes for some fun rides around Columbia and the surrounding areas. The biggest challenge is going to be increasing my exercise in the winter. When it's cold and it's almost dark outside by the time I get home from work, getting exercise in the great outdoors is not always a possibility. And I HATE using the elliptical at the gym. In general, I find all the machines at the gym to be painfully monotonous. The combination of all of these things, strongly decreases my motivation to work out in the winter months. So, my goal for this year will be to find creative ways to exercise in the winter months, to help me maintain my motivation even when it's cold and dark outside. By the time, I go to Ocean City for beach week in August, my legs will be pretty again!
3. I will eat healthier food, and I will start counting points again. I started Weight Watchers last spring, as a means of learning a healthier lifestyle. I was about 2 pounds away from my goal weight. Then, a number of circumstances came together that halted my progress. I'm not making excuses for myself, but I have returned to square 1, and need to get back on the points counting bandwagon. Like the last one, this seems to be the most challenging for me in the winter months. In the summer months, when the stores are giving away blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, etc., I have absolutely no trouble enjoying fruit for my snacks. In the winter, however, it seems the only fruits the stores are giving away are apples (type-dependent) and oranges. Well, when I only have two inexpensive fruits to enjoy for 6 months out of the year, those fruits get really boring, really fast, and I lose my motivation to eat those healthy snacks. That's when I start turning to chips, cookies, popcorn, etc. My goal is to try a variety of other fruits and vegetables for snacks, even if I have to spend a little bit more to get them. I have already started on this one. Last month, I learned that I like pomegranate. I just need to keep it up. When in doubt, bananas are always in season and cheap.
4. Tim and I share this resolution. We want to get our house organized. As I said before, the process of merging our two homes under one roof continues, a year and a half after I've moved in. There are lots of reasons for this, including planned and unplanned remodeling projects, a lack of storage space in furniture and closets, overbooked weekends, and just plain old being too tired to do more work when we get home from work. We already started taking great strides towards accomplishing this resolution today, as we cleaned about a third of our house from top to bottom. We have tomorrow off of work, as well. So hopefully, we'll be able to get another couple of rooms done, then. As for some of the more tedious tasks, like sifting through paperwork, files, closets, and boxes, if we just take an hour every afternoon to tackle one task, it'll be done in no time. My goal is to get our house organized enough that I would feel confident walking any guest into any room in our house. This is probably the most overwhelming resolution I have. I know that in order to accomplish it, I will have to set small, reasonable, daily goals. Most importantly, I will have to hold myself accountable. Jeez - I hope I'm not making us sound like hoarders or something. LOL! :-D We just finished a massive remodeling project in the house, and we just don't have any space to put most of my stuff from my old apartment yet. It's a constant work in progress.
5. If I accomplish all of the things I have listed above, this last one will just come naturally. I will find more joy in the little things. I tend to take the little things for granted. Don't we all? Also, as I said before, I stress out way too easily over things that, in hindsight, seem almost irrelevant or insignificant. I read an article that my sister shared yesterday that said, "Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy." Well, if I keep up with the resolutions listed above, I know that I will be healthier, I will feel better, I will be more energized, I will enjoy every moment that much more. I will also have the sense to recognize the difference between those things that are worthy of worry and those that aren't.
All in all, I think my resolutions can be summed up as: Learning from the Past, Living in the Present, and Dreaming for the Future.
Today is January 1, 2012. It is the day of the year when we all declare our resolutions for the year to come. What are we going to do to better ourselves in the upcoming 12 months? Will we be able to keep our resolutions? Are our goals realistic? I'm hoping that mine are. But only time will tell. Stay tuned...
As a final thought, I decided several weeks ago that I wanted to do an experiment in 2012. Over the years, I have found inspiration in music. I listened to music that reflected the mood that I was in. I used the lyrics in music to find meaning in big and small moments and to share that meaning with others. I hope to find that inspiration again. Therefore, each day of 2012, I will find a lyric in one song that speaks to me, my mood, or something special about that day, and post it as a Facebook status. I will also choose a song that will speak to the theme of any blog entries that I publish in the future. I hope that readers may find inspiration in some of the music that I love.
In the spirit of renewal in a new year, today's song is: "Reborn" by Avalon
Overwhelmed
By something I can't explain
Something more real than real
Something words can't contain
Whispering
The spirit was calling me
I felt you drawing me
Melting my heart of stone
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
I believe
You can make all things new
'Cause all that I ever dreamed
Was suddenly real in You
Like a summer rain
Making a desert bloom
You opened my thirsty heart
And now I have been renewed
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
No one could ever love like that
You took my heart
I'll never take it back
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
To get started, I'll reflect a little bit on the last couple of years, which have been, if nothing else, a rollercoaster ride. Some of the most memorable experiences of my life to date have occurred over these last couple of years. These include:
- Getting married.
- Touring Wine Country, California
- Skiing the Austrian Alps
- Touring the canals of Venice, the sculptures of Florence, the ancient ruins and cathedrals of Rome and the Vatican, and the serenity and beauty of the Sorrentine Peninsula, the Amalfi Coast, and the Island of Capri
- Standing over the top of the Canadian Niagara Falls
- Standing at the top of Shenandoah National Park with beautiful fall colors as far as the eye could see.
- Having a close encounter with an alligator in Jacksonville, Florida.
The last couple of years have also come with their share of challenges, however. These include:
- A long-winded struggle with insomnia.
- The ongoing challenge of merging two homes into one.
- And the most significant challenge - the loss of my grandfather.
The loss of a loved one is anything but insignificant. And of course, nothing makes the loss of a loved one any easier, except knowing that at least I had enough time to say good-bye to him and to tell him that I loved him.
Otherwise, however, as I look at these lists, it seems that the positives far outweigh the negatives. And that would be true. It would seem that Tim and I are sharing some incredible adventures and memories in our life together. And that would be true, as well. We have an amazing life together, and I couldn't be happier about all of the wonderful things that we've been able to do in the last few years together, not to mention all the things that we have planned in the short and long term future.
However, as my family can affirm, I tend to be a worrier. I tend to sweat the small stuff. So, with that in mind, I have thought of the following things I can work on to improve my life and the lives of those closest to me:
1. I will get more sleep. After months of searching for a cure for insomnia, I have finally discovered some helpful remedies, in the form of natural supplements, and changing my surroundings to relax. For the most part, the insomnia problem has been resolved. However, I am still only getting 5-6 hours of sleep per night because I struggle to make myself go to bed at a reasonable time, relative to a 5 AM wake up call. My goal for this year is to increase my average to 7-8 hours of sleep per night.
2. I will get more exercise. I know. I know. Everybody says they're going to exercise in the New Year. Well, I already have a regular exercise regimen. I take a high intensity aerobics class twice a week, I have dance class once per week, and in the summer, Tim and I love to take our bikes for some fun rides around Columbia and the surrounding areas. The biggest challenge is going to be increasing my exercise in the winter. When it's cold and it's almost dark outside by the time I get home from work, getting exercise in the great outdoors is not always a possibility. And I HATE using the elliptical at the gym. In general, I find all the machines at the gym to be painfully monotonous. The combination of all of these things, strongly decreases my motivation to work out in the winter months. So, my goal for this year will be to find creative ways to exercise in the winter months, to help me maintain my motivation even when it's cold and dark outside. By the time, I go to Ocean City for beach week in August, my legs will be pretty again!
3. I will eat healthier food, and I will start counting points again. I started Weight Watchers last spring, as a means of learning a healthier lifestyle. I was about 2 pounds away from my goal weight. Then, a number of circumstances came together that halted my progress. I'm not making excuses for myself, but I have returned to square 1, and need to get back on the points counting bandwagon. Like the last one, this seems to be the most challenging for me in the winter months. In the summer months, when the stores are giving away blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, etc., I have absolutely no trouble enjoying fruit for my snacks. In the winter, however, it seems the only fruits the stores are giving away are apples (type-dependent) and oranges. Well, when I only have two inexpensive fruits to enjoy for 6 months out of the year, those fruits get really boring, really fast, and I lose my motivation to eat those healthy snacks. That's when I start turning to chips, cookies, popcorn, etc. My goal is to try a variety of other fruits and vegetables for snacks, even if I have to spend a little bit more to get them. I have already started on this one. Last month, I learned that I like pomegranate. I just need to keep it up. When in doubt, bananas are always in season and cheap.
4. Tim and I share this resolution. We want to get our house organized. As I said before, the process of merging our two homes under one roof continues, a year and a half after I've moved in. There are lots of reasons for this, including planned and unplanned remodeling projects, a lack of storage space in furniture and closets, overbooked weekends, and just plain old being too tired to do more work when we get home from work. We already started taking great strides towards accomplishing this resolution today, as we cleaned about a third of our house from top to bottom. We have tomorrow off of work, as well. So hopefully, we'll be able to get another couple of rooms done, then. As for some of the more tedious tasks, like sifting through paperwork, files, closets, and boxes, if we just take an hour every afternoon to tackle one task, it'll be done in no time. My goal is to get our house organized enough that I would feel confident walking any guest into any room in our house. This is probably the most overwhelming resolution I have. I know that in order to accomplish it, I will have to set small, reasonable, daily goals. Most importantly, I will have to hold myself accountable. Jeez - I hope I'm not making us sound like hoarders or something. LOL! :-D We just finished a massive remodeling project in the house, and we just don't have any space to put most of my stuff from my old apartment yet. It's a constant work in progress.
5. If I accomplish all of the things I have listed above, this last one will just come naturally. I will find more joy in the little things. I tend to take the little things for granted. Don't we all? Also, as I said before, I stress out way too easily over things that, in hindsight, seem almost irrelevant or insignificant. I read an article that my sister shared yesterday that said, "Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy." Well, if I keep up with the resolutions listed above, I know that I will be healthier, I will feel better, I will be more energized, I will enjoy every moment that much more. I will also have the sense to recognize the difference between those things that are worthy of worry and those that aren't.
All in all, I think my resolutions can be summed up as: Learning from the Past, Living in the Present, and Dreaming for the Future.
Today is January 1, 2012. It is the day of the year when we all declare our resolutions for the year to come. What are we going to do to better ourselves in the upcoming 12 months? Will we be able to keep our resolutions? Are our goals realistic? I'm hoping that mine are. But only time will tell. Stay tuned...
As a final thought, I decided several weeks ago that I wanted to do an experiment in 2012. Over the years, I have found inspiration in music. I listened to music that reflected the mood that I was in. I used the lyrics in music to find meaning in big and small moments and to share that meaning with others. I hope to find that inspiration again. Therefore, each day of 2012, I will find a lyric in one song that speaks to me, my mood, or something special about that day, and post it as a Facebook status. I will also choose a song that will speak to the theme of any blog entries that I publish in the future. I hope that readers may find inspiration in some of the music that I love.
In the spirit of renewal in a new year, today's song is: "Reborn" by Avalon
Overwhelmed
By something I can't explain
Something more real than real
Something words can't contain
Whispering
The spirit was calling me
I felt you drawing me
Melting my heart of stone
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
I believe
You can make all things new
'Cause all that I ever dreamed
Was suddenly real in You
Like a summer rain
Making a desert bloom
You opened my thirsty heart
And now I have been renewed
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
No one could ever love like that
You took my heart
I'll never take it back
Everything inside my soul
Cried out for something more
Your love has captured me
This heart has been reborn
I heard You call my name
When You knocked upon my door
I gave my life away
This heart has been reborn
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