Sleep is...

...a stressful notion for a chronic insomniac.  When I posted my first article on New Year's Day, I thought I'd be able to post all kinds of positive articles about all the progress I was making, and all the lessons I was learning as I went along.  In fact, I feel like I haven't made a lick of progress in the last 3 and a half weeks...

That's not entirely true.  I am eating healthier... some of the time... I'm back to my normal exercise schedule.  Now, I just need to add a few more workouts per week to it.  I've even made a little progress here and there on the house... though there's still plenty to be done. 

Where I feel like I'm moving backward though is my sleep.  I posted in my previous entry that I had seemingly defeated my insomnia, with the help of valerian and L-theanine natural remedies.  However, I haven't had a solid week of good sleep since the new year.  Most weeks, in fact, I've only had one or two nights with decent sleep. 

Here's what I know:  Only getting 3 hours of sleep before having to drive 40 miles to work, followed by another 40 miles home in the afternoon is not fun.  It doesn't matter how many drugs you take, if your brain is telling you that you're not going to get enough sleep, then you won't get enough sleep (or any sleep at all).  Therefore, sleep is stressful for an insomniac. 

Now before you tell me that I just need to relax, take deep breaths, say a mantra to myself, count sheep, do a progressive relaxation, do a self-hypnosis, etc. etc. etc., I've tried every trick in the book to calm my brain down.  The problem is that once you're in your head, as I am, the damage is already done.  No amount of relaxation or self-hypnosis is going to beat down that voice in the back of your head saying, 'if you don't get to sleep, you're going to have to drive to work on no sleep".   That's where my problem seems to be.

Last week, we went to Penn State for Friday night through Saturday (home by Saturday night).  That night, I slept like a rock in our hotel.  No problem.  When we got home on Saturday night, I took an hour or so to chill out in front of the TV, then I fell asleep with no trouble in our bedroom.  Sunday night, OPM declared an 11:00 AM Delayed Arrival for Washington DC Federal Employees with the option for unscheduled telework.  I went to bed knowing that I would be teleworking on Monday, and I slept delightfully.  Then, Monday night comes around.  Time to go back to work on Tuesday.  Sleep was a no go that night.  Tuesday night, I took like an hour and a half nap on the couch, and I still managed to put in a full 7 and a half hours of easy sleep, as Wednesday is my normal telework day.  I knew I didn't have to get up to drive 40 miles...twice... Now, it's back to work in the morning again, and here I am writing a blog entry at 2 AM to pass the time, since I can't sleep again.

I know that my problem is purely psychological, but what I don't know is how to fix it.  I went to a seminar at work last week about getting healthy with diet and sleep in the new year and coping with stress, and the speaker suggested journaling.  I guess that's where I'm at here.  I'm writing down all the things going on in my head, in hopes that putting it down on paper (or on a computer monitor) will eject them from my head, at least temporarily.

I want to be able to sleep.  I want to get my 7-9 hours of sleep.  I don't want to drive 40 miles to work, trudge through an 8 hour work day, then drive another 40 miles back home on 3- hours of sleep....yet again.

As I write this, I have to say that I am grateful for a few things: 1) Having a husband who loves me enough to sit up with me and try to help me relax.  2) Having 2 cats who love me enough to keep me company when I have to relocate, so as to let my husband get the sleep he needs and to get out of the space that I now associate with insomnia.  3) Knowing that the weekend will be here soon, so I know that in a couple of days, I'll finally be able to get some sleep again (that's the optimist in me, talking.  The optimist is still hiding in there, somewhere). 

I don't know what else to say, except:  Please God, help me get over this hurdle, so I can return to the progress I was making before Christmas.  Please help me find the will to rise above the psychology.  Please keep me safe as I struggle through my exhausted days.

I'm sure this is a little bit all over the place.  That's what happens when it's 2 o'clock in the morning, and you're over-exhausted and desperate for sleep.  Here's hoping this helps me find peace for the next couple of hours before that 5 AM alarm sounds.